I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it

Boy, life takes a long time to live

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot

My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time