On vacations We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow

I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead