I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her

Life is just a bowl of pits

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table

I'm so ugly - My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me

I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself