Life with Mary was like being in a telephone booth with an open umbrella-no matter which way you turned, you got it in the eye

Man is the only animal that learns by being hypocritical. He pretends to be polite and then, eventually, he becomes polite

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table

If you have formed the habit of checking on every new diet that comes along, you will find that, mercifully, they all blur together, leaving you with only one definite piece of information: french-fried potatoes are out

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.