People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons

Life is a series of dogs

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... ...and you finish off as an orgasm

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to form my own opionions