Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood and place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room left for three caraway seeds and an agent's heart

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there

When a radio comedian's program is finally finished it slinks down Memory Lane into the limbo of yesteryear's happy hours. All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match