My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, Get off me, you two!