My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance

Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swim next time, OK Jerry

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said Anybody got an aspiren? I think I've got a cold

The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi

You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with